Hello.


I'm back again,

with a emotional post. Feel free to leave.

College life is good. It's already been 2 months I've been to college. Time passes fast :)
My PTPTN loan is a success, so I don't feel like I'm a burden to my family anymore!
The Economy isn't good and business isn't going well for my father either.
Things happens too fast. And when will I get to adapt this new situation?
I am feeling like a burden, every single time. But will I survive?
Will I get used to this things that's happening to me?
Can I continue to be daddy's little girl? No.
To be honest, I'm very disappointed that my father changed.
He used to be so gentle, and all. But now, he changed.
Financial problem is the cause of why is my parents arguing every single day.
My mother even 'cut' her insurance to get the money to support us.
How guilty am I? Can you feel me? Life is tough. Yes I know.
But it's even tougher now for me to handle both my studies and my family stuff.
My doctor told me not to care about them, they told me let them settle themselves, adult will settle their things in their own way.
At first, I believed so, but now, not anymore.
It's really not easy to fake a smile, or even a laugh everyday just to make yourself to feel better.
Had a crush on a guy, and then he betrayed me. Yes, of course it's hurt.
But I got over it, and now, surviving by myself, with my friends.
I know how my mother feels, to have carry burdens that made by my father.
I know why she vent her anger on me, to make herself feels better.
I kept quiet, I know she's having a lot on her mind. How I wishes time would reverse and things wouldn't get so complicated.
I keep myself busy, I read books to get over some stuff, I make myself happy by chatting with my friends, or maybe I cry myself to bed to let everything out. everynight.

I know my life is so dramatic now, maybe some of you might be saying that,
" Don't act like you know everything, MAYBE they have a reason that everything's happened. "
Yes, maybe you're right and I'm wrong. I do not want to assume things that I'm not sure of.
Maybe I needed to go and work on the weekends, but to think, do I have the time to do so?
I need to finish up my homeworks, my assignments and stuff. BUT, I need money.
Should I give up my education for money? Just to make my parent's life easier?
I've cutted down a lot, and a lot of food money. To be pathetic, sometimes, I even starve myself just to go home and eat to save money.
I know I need to change. Now isn't like the past, eating foods that I wanted to, no. no more!
Dream is over and it's time to wake up.
Sometimes, I didn't even get to spend RM20 in a week, because I need to save money, for my own expenses. Sounds so not like me uh?
Friends around me keep saying that I'm rich! Buy things no need to think!
My dear friends, things aren't the same anymore. My dad has no business and I might end up in a broken family or maybe in a bankrupt situation.
My friends asked me to go over to Singapore to further my education, but, is it necessary? The pay there is good and it can cover myself, but, should I?
I sounds so pathetic right now I'm feeling so low. The first time, the word came out from my mouth,
" I've got no money... " ----

 But of course, they understand. some of my friends work everyday just to lessen their parent's burden.
 I talked a lot to my aunties and uncles from oversea, I need to tell them what's happening. I need them to tell my dad  that what he is doing is wrong.. He should wake up and stop all this nonsense...
You might not wanna know how much debt he have now.

I love my family, every one of them.
Sometimes thing happens too fast, unexpected.
Life's cruel.
But I have to stand strong and make a wise decision, and never regret.
Till then, X

Hello.


It's been a while since I've update my blog.

Well doesn't really in the mood to blog...
Went for my second appointment on Thursday? I forgot..
Clarence was with me the entire time, thank you so much and sorry for wasting your time.
Well, I didn't cry, in fact, I told the doctor everything, she told me some stuff and yeah....
I feels a lot better and she gave me some sleeping pills for one month supply.
I'm very happy to be able to sleep normally after sucha long time being insomnia.

Clarence said that he likes me, he was holding my hand for the entire time and he's hugging me.
It's so sweet of him, I kinda like him too, for being so kind to me.
But,

I'm just not ready to be in a relationship, my heart is not ready.
I know there's a lot good guy out there, I know, I know all the time.
But I just, feels like I don't want to be in a relationship.
After all, I just get rejected by someone that I had a crush on.
Being happy is what I tell myself to do.
Sometimes it hurts to force myself to smile and be happy when I don't feels like.
What to do? My doctor tells me that my Anxiety is very HIGH and my depression is very serious.
My temper is a problem, I know.

I get pissed off and angry easily. I often scold people, for a small problem or sometimes its not even their fault.
I'm trying to change, I'm trying to be happy. I think I need to overlook things and not put them in my heart.
I'm here to thank my friend Senson for fetching me to catch a movie that he don't like. LoL
He was forced to watch by me. Haha. It was a horror movie and it's scary.
I was beating him in the cinema and he's probably pissed at me lol.
He said he wanted to bring me out on sunday which is tomorrow but I think he probably forgot... lol.
Well, he's a busyman :)

I wanted to go out alone and read books in Starbucks/cafes and just relax my mind, but somehow I find myself very scared to step out alone out of my house.
It's killing me, the feeling that I keep having,
afraid of being rob, afraid of being kidnap, afraid of being killed/rape.
I don't even dare to walk alone. I'm scared.


Fake friends started to care.
Friends pretended to care.
in the end, no one cares.

Because, in life, no one can help you except yourself.
I sounds so emo, but in reality, I'm feeling so much better ^_^
I can laugh and smile more often with my friends/family.
I probably still put myself in bad mood but not that often anymore.
I keep myself busy, but my temper is getting worse.


How to freaking cure my temper?

Hey, it's been a while.